Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Zombie Fighter Safety Tips for Halloween

Firstly, read up on what a zombie is, and what a zombie isn't. Be aware that there will be many, many pseudo-zombies out there and it just wouldn't do to crack the head of some unassuming pre-teen who is just out for a Mr. Goodbar...not Mr. Goodbar's brain.

It's probably best to assume that if your doorbell rings, it's a pseudo-zombie, not the real thing. Give it candy, and it will go away. A real zombie will not only not ring the doorbell, but will not go away by merely tossing it a fun-size kitkat. It will have probably already made a fun-size snack of a real cat and will enter your home without permission via any portal available.

Real zombies will show no emotion, and therefore will not register fear. To test a pseudo-zombie, hide a member of your family that you're willing sacrifice near the candy-dispensing area to jump out and scare any potential zombies who walk up your sidewalk. (The one who shows up to Thanksgiving Dinner drunk, picks a fight with Grandma and pukes in your rosebushes will do nicely.) If the potential zombie screams, pees itself, or hits your relative it's probably a pseudo-zombie. A real zombie will register your relative's presence and eat it's brain. Chances are that your relative will also become a zombie, but then that just affords you the excuse to scratch them off the holiday gift-giving list.

A pseudo-zombie will arrive with other costumed characters including a ghost, a witch, a hobo, Spongebob Squarepants, or some creature from some television show you've never seen. A real zombie will show up in the clothing it died in, and frankly if all else fails, you'll know a real zombie by his B.O. There isn't enough Febreeze in the world that will cover the stench of rotting human flesh.

Hope this helps, but if it doesn't....the PRTZL team will be prowling the neighborhood. Yell....if you can.

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